When Sasha Sloan said “Loving is hard…,” in her song titled “Older”, she honestly had no idea! Over the past year, I’ve come to realize and understand that truthfully, loving might be hard, but healing? it’s worse, and forgiving yourself? That’s a landmine! – the battle.
Both worse and landmine are harder than a camel passing through the eye of a needle because, at least for me, it’s barely about what the other person did. It’s more about what it shattered inside of you—your trust, your vibes, the sense of your choice, your personality, your sense of self!
It has been one year (well depends on when you’re counting from🤷♀️), and the hardest part is realizing you’re not just healing from the hurt, but from the version of you that let it happen.
My friends say it’s character building but honestly, I’d rather a different type of block because, no block has ever made me lose my mojo🥹!.
I used to pride myself in never being pained. I get offended and sometimes hurt, but not for so long because when you offend me, I tell you straight and we resolve it. Instances where I can’t tell you because its prolly petty, letting go is easier because all I mostly need to do is either rant, cry, or eat and sleep, then end it with “ O wa lara e” (Translate – it’s in your (the other person’s) body), but in this case, I WAS SHOOK!
So many eating and sleeping yet it has been such a struggle- one filled with so much tears, self motivation and lots of prayers for strength. Although, I’m sincerely grateful to be surrounded by love, because they made the struggle easy to go past, sometimes , it seems as though no one gets it.
Maybe because this block came from someone I genuinely chose, wanted, and saw a lifetime with. Through it all, one thing is constant: I’ll forever carry my pride and stubbornness blocks on every journey. I know I’d let them down once in a while, because they can be very “heavy”, but I guess that’s what we call lapses.
If I ever need to hold those blocks in future, hopefully not😪, I hope I have the strength to carry them reasonably and longer than I did in this phase. Truth is, both blocks were instrumental to me choosing myself and have helped to keep me going per time.
Although I’ve had relationship breakups – friendship and romantic, but this is
A-S-T-R-O-N-O-M-I-C-A-L. Phew😪
I joke around saying “na me cut off, na me dey bleed pass”, but I guess that’s part of life.
On the bright side, I got to know more about myself – my flaws, strengths, weakness and instances where “it can for sure be me!”
On a much brighter side, I’d say forgiveness was way easier than I thought because, I learnt forgiveness in another light.
“You being hurt isn’t an avenue to wish someone bad, because the truth is, the person is God’s child as much as you’re His.”
Although, the pain of what was done still lingers and stings, but it hurts lesser compared to when it was fresh.
Deeper than the cut, the current pain and struggle, is the worse and the landmine! Which Olaf sums up properly:
Looking back at this past year, truthfully, time is indeed a paintbrush. Let’s see what happens in the next year.